Entre el “Hazte Cargo” y el “No te Metas”

Written By Gabriela Aguilar

The Unspoken Contradictions We Inherit as First-Gen Daughters.

There’s a quiet, unspoken story many first-gen eldest daughters carry. It’s the story of growing up too quickly and yet never being considered “grown enough.”

It starts with little things that didn’t feel so little at the time. Translating documents you couldn’t fully understand. Calling customer service for mom because she didn’t want to be dismissed for her accent. Sitting across from doctors, lawyers, or teachers, explaining things adults struggled to explain themselves- while you were still figuring out multiplication tables. At home, you helped with homework that wasn’t yours, soothed younger siblings after arguments, and learned early how to read the room when your parents came home exhausted from work.

You were trusted with responsibilities most adults would find overwhelming. And yet, the moment you had an opinion, a boundary, or even a dream that didn’t align with theirs, suddenly you were “too young.” “Eres una niña.” “Aquí se hace lo que yo diga.” “Calladita te ves más bonita.”

That’s the contradiction so many of us lived: you had to act like an adult but stay in a child’s place.

Living Inside the Double Bind

For so many first-gen daughters, especially in immigrant families, niñez becomes negotiable.

You learn to grow up fast because survival requires it, but the autonomy and respect that usually come with adulthood are withheld.

It looks like:

  • Explaining medical instructions to your parents while still learning how to spell “prescription.”

  • Making dinner for your siblings after school, but being told you couldn’t attend a sleepover because “good girls stay home.”

  • Listening to your parents problems at the kitchen table and still being reminded to “stay in your place” when you voiced your own opinions.

  • The mixed messages run deep:

  • Handle adult responsibilities, but don’t act like an adult

  • Take care of everyone else, but don’t expect care in return

  • Decide for the family, but don’t decide for yourself

Over time, this contradiction leaves you questioning your instincts, your voice, and even your worth.

The Patterns That Follow Us

These early roles don’t just stay in childhood; they echo into adulthood in quiet but powerful ways. You might notice yourself:

  • Over-functioning for everyone around you while ignoring your own needs

  • Feeling guilty when you rest, as if you haven’t earned it

  • Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” because setting boundaries feels like betrayal

  • Apologizing for needing help, or avoiding asking for it altogether

  • Second-guessing every decision, big or small, because deep down you still hear the voice that says, “No sabes lo que dices.”

Naming the Impact Without Shame

Recognizing this double bind doesn’t mean rejecting your family or erasing the sacrifices they made. Many of our parents carried impossible burdens: navigating new systems, working multiple jobs, surviving in spaces not built for them. They leaned on us because they didn’t have anywhere else to turn or were ashamed to admit they needed help.

We can hold compassion for their struggles AND name the truth: it wasn’t fair. You deserved to have your feelings acknowledged. You deserved to make choices without shame. You deserved to be cared for, not just to carry the weight of caring for everyone else.

This isn’t about blame; it’s about clarity. When we name what happened, we begin to understand why we move through the world the way we do – and we create space for change.

Rewriting the Narrative

Healing begins when we realize we can step out of survival mode and into something softer,

something more intentional. We get to decide what we carry forward and what we set down.

Rewriting the narrative can look like:

  • Choosing rest without guilt

  • Letting yourself receive care instead of always giving it

  • Trusting your own voice, even when it challenges expectations

  • Setting boundaries without apologizing for needing them

  • Honoring your dreams, even if they don’t look like the ones your family imagined for you

At first, these shifts can feel uncomfortable. You might hear the old echoes: “Eres egoísta.”

“¡Qué malagradecida!”“Te crees mucho.”

That discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong; it means you’re healing patterns that once

kept you safe but no longer serve you.

Taking care of yourself isn’t abandoning your family or culture – it’s including yourself in the

care you’ve always given so freely to everyone else.

You’ve Always Been Enough

For so long, you were the one holding everything together. You adapted to impossible

circumstances, and that speaks to your strength. But strength doesn’t have to mean endless

sacrifice anymore.

You are allowed to rest.

You are allowed to ask for help.

You are allowed to be cared for.

You are allowed to take up space – without proving, performing, or apologizing.

You’ve carried so much for so long, but you don’t have to carry it ALL anymore.

You’ve always been enough. And now, it’s safe to believe it.

Gabriela Aguilar